Why We Don't Respect Nice Guys

"I've gotta stand tall You know a man can't crawl But when he knows you’re tellin’ lies And he hears them passing’ by He's not a man at all"

-The Everly Brothers, Cathy’s Clown

Note: in this article I will be using the term “nice guy” colloquially to refer to both men and women, to say in general that people do not care for a nice guy(or girl).

Winston Churchill, Neville Chamberlain: two English prime ministers. One is seen as being willful, relentless, uncompromising, a sneering imperialist, and a remarkable man that we should all aspire to be. The other, you never hear about. In fact, if you hear about him it’s likely because his namesake is often used to describe someone who gives in to other’s demands. For those unaware, Chamberlain was the prime minister before Churchill’s second term, he signed the Munich Agreement and was lampooned as being an appeaser who gave into Hitler’s demands. His legacy has forever been stained by this characteristic. We don’t seem to remember nice guys and in fact, loathe their actions.

Why don’t we hear about the giver, the compromiser, or the appeaser? Is it not more noble to give than receive? Should we not admire a person who is flexible and willing to relinquish control for the common good? The same reason “he has no back bone” isn’t a compliment. Our movies feature the same characters, the same motifs, and the same arcs. The tough fighting cowboy who shoots before the other guy has time to draw from his holster, the super hero who knows she must destroy half of New York to stop the mustachioed villian, the moody teenager who doesn’t fit in and must stand up to the bullies and her hindering parents to get the last laugh at the end. We want to see people who overcome the obstacles life throws their way, just as we wish ourselves to triumph over them. Ruthlessness, to a point, is alluring and strong. The business woman knows she must compromise a little here and there, but will never fully acquiesce and is okay with fighting to get what she wants or needs. Giving in, allowing people to walk all over you is seen as weak because there is nothing being outwitted, beguiled, cajoled, or wiled. We all secretly love the huckster who grew up poor as sin and had to get by in the big city conning rich folk out of their money, and we not only love when David stands up to Goliath, but also cuts off his head. Rooting for the underdog is everyone’s favorite pass time, and you can’t be an underdog unless you’re willing to stand up to adversity, something nice guys can’t do. Nice guys seem to be afraid of adversity, something we all must go against to accomplish meaningful things in life.

“But he’s such a nice guy!”

“She’s really sweet”

All seem swell but girls love a bad boy! Someone roguish and untamed like a wild mustang. He’s a dreamer, a rebel, or maybe a fighter. His emotions- does he have any? He’s a loose cannon and a project someone has the pleasure of trying to fix. Men generally love a girl who exudes independence and strong-will, she can be bossy and manipulative, but in a fun way. She’s loud and has a personality that makes us want to orbit around here. You wouldn’t want a partner that had to be hung around your waist all the time or was an emotional burden, the same goes for people we admire. Not being nice all the time shows independence, self-governance, and fortitude. They have the choice and the autonomy to act in their own accordance. A person should know when to be nice and when to become forceful. The same way we detest when someone likes us too much; they seem too needy; they have no personality of their own and thus they cling to us. Men chase after women who don’t seem to know or care they exist; women sometimes pursue men who are complete rakes who are emotionally unavailable or abusive. We want what we can’t have, and no one chases after nice guys because the chase ends as soon as it starts. It’s too easy to be nice, not in a benevolent, altruistic way, but a “I avoid conflict” way. The ideal person most of us admire is not a Chamberlain, but a Churchill. To be ambitious one must also have a sharp edge to them, the willingness to go up against seemingly impossible odds and maybe step on some toes. Dedication and hard work are all seen as the noblest of attributes, the nice guy rarely has these, and in its place, the reflex to bend to the wills of others.

Above all else, nice guys are boring. They go with the flow, not in a taoist way, but a “I’m fine with life passing me by” way. There is no enchantment of “What will she create next?” or “He gets the job done!” Instead we see a person who cares too much about what others think, they want people to like them, and paradoxically being nice is a good way for people to be indifferent towards you at best. Earnestly I wish I could say that being nice, that is being in a perpetual state of nicety, was a trait that we should all admire, and we do find being a kind soul a noble feat. Though the archetypical nice guy is not nice for this sake. He is not nice because he wishes to spread the good of the world, but because it is easy. He faces no uphill battle and claims to be a gentle soul. Though the most gentle of souls are also those aware that we must all sometimes fight for the truth we hold, stick up for the people we love, and defend our way of life. Even Mother Teresa and Gandhi, two paragons of benevolence weren’t all that nice and fought for their own truths. In fact someone thought Gandhi wasn’t so nice and shot him! To quote Hunter S. Thompson, “Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on the shore and merely existed?” There is nothing impressive about a boat stuck in the harbor in which it was built. Never venturing the seas it was made for.